almost one year

It's been awhile since my last post here and during that time i wasn't very sure of what's gonna happen with my relationship with Mai. Today...2 days before our anniversary...we're still together...still in doubt every once in a while...but together nonetheless...

However, I just can't help but be furious at some people who call themselves "friends" or who hide behind the guise of friendship but really just want to ruin this relationship for their own personal benefit. I really cannot understand why some people can just say such mean things about me that aren't in the least bit true so they can be with my bie the way they used to before I came in the picture.

Don't get me wrong, though. It's not that I don't want my bie to have friends...of course I do. It's just that I want her to be with the right friends...the good ones...not the ones who keep pulling her down to her old habits of drinking, smoking, drugs and staying up at all hours away from home and away from Istian.

This supposed "friend" who keeps on insisting that I am bad for Mai, that I'm not and will never be serious about her, is in fact the same friend who is keeping her up all night and leave Istian alone at home. This friend who says I am keeping Mai away from Istian doesnt even realize that I am actually spending time, not with Mai alone but with them together.

To make matters worse, the father of her daughter, who happens to be the son of my former landlord is now also saying mean things about me. Him, together with my old boarding house's caretaker (who I happen to have had a big fight with before I left) keep telling Mai that I am a player, that I was always never in the boarding house and that I was boy crazy and rarely slept at home. Even his friend, who often visited him in the boarding house, was implying I went out with him.

I really don't understand why they can say such things about me. I have no idea where they're getting those information from. I don't remember bringing guys home for them to meet...I never really go out with boys...I was always away from the boarding house because I was either in the province (at home or at my tita's), out of town with my amigas (who are ALL girls) or my helfdesk friends (who are also MOSTLY girls) or just out on gimmicks with my amigas or my college friends (who are also ALL girls.) I can actually count the number of guys I went out with MY WHOLE LIFE using just the fingers in one hand!!!

A few days ago I asked my old roommates' Sharon and Rachel if they thought I was boy crazy and a flirt...if that was the impression I was giving out when I was still staying with them. They said I was not...I was just plain "maarte" but I guess because of the way I dress up, they said guys probably thought I was easy. Well, they are DEAD WRONG!!!

But I don't really give a damn what they think, I'm not gonna make an effort to prove them wrong...I know what the truth is and that's all that really matters...

3 days off...

This morning I got home at around 7am because Mai asked me to go with them as they waited to board the bus for her COG retreat. It's a three day activity that will commence on Saturday afternoon. So she will be coming home around 6pm on Saturday, i guess.

This retreat will serve as a time out for us. We'll be away from each other and we'll have time to think things through and decide if we still want to keep the relationship. Actually, it's more of me waiting to find out what her decision would be. We kinda patched things up last Tuesday and we're more or less together again when she left this morning.

Last night, we spoke on the phone in the wee hours of the morning. She told me how she loves me so much and she wants to be reassured that my love is still the same as it was before. I told her she still has me, heart and soul, but I will give her time to think things through on this retreat. I promised her I will wait for her decision and I will wait for her coming back to me on Saturday. But I also told her that there's no pressure...that if this retreat would get her to decide otherwise, then I will accept her decision. I will abide by it with grace and move on...

This is gonna be a veeryyy long three days....

Freedom...or is it?

"Foolish" by Ashanti

See my days are cold without you
But I'm hurtin while im with you
And though my heart can't take no more
I keep on running back to you
See my days are cold without you
But I'm hurtin while im with you
And though my heart can't take no more
I keep on running back to you

Baby I don't know why ya treatin me so bad
You said you love me, no one above me
And I was all you had
And though my heart is eating for ya
I can't stop crying
I don't know how
I allow you to treat me this way and still i stay

See my days are cold without you
But I'm hurtin while im with you
And though my heart can't take no more
I keep on running back to you
See my days are cold without you
But I'm hurtin while im with you
And though my heart can't take no more
I keep on running back to you

Baby I don't know why ya wanna do me wrong
See when I'm home, I'm all alone
And you are always gone
And boy, you kno I really love you
I can't deny
I can't see how you could bring me to so many tears
after all these years

See my days are cold without you
But I'm hurtin while im with you
And though my heart can't take no more
I keep on running back to you
See my days are cold without you
But I'm hurtin while im with you
And though my heart can't take no more
I keep on running back to you

Oohhhhh I trusted you, I trusted you
So sad, so sad
what love will make you do
all the things that we accept
be the things that we regret too
all of my ladies (ladies) feel me c'mon sing wit me

See, when I get the strength to leave
You always tell me that you need me
And I'm weak cause I believe you
And I'm mad because I love you
So I stop and think that maybe
You can learn to appreciate me
Then it all remains the same that
You ain't never gonna change (never gonna change, never gonna change)

See my days are cold without you
But I'm hurtin while im with you
And though my heart can't take no more
I keep on running back to you
See my days are cold without you
But I'm hurtin while im with you
And though my heart can't take no more
I keep on running back to you

Baby why you hurt me leave me and desert me
Boy I gave you all my heart
And all you do is tear it up
Looking out my window
Knowing that I should go
Even when I pack my bags
This something always hold me back

definitely sure that i'm not sure

I'm sure about it.
I'm definitely sure
That I do surely doubt it
I wish that I could say
That I was sure about it.
I'm definitely sure,
that I'm not sure

a friend told me that if the feeling is right and that there is still love, i should fight for it...and i do love her, no question about that...no doubt about it...

on again

yesterday night, Mai texted me saying I can do what I wish with my life...I tried calling her but she wouldn't pick up so I texted her saying that she knows my number and where I live so if she's ready to talk she can just come over...

yesterday afternoon, I woke up at someone's knock on my door...it was mai and istian...i guess it was her way of apologizing on her rudeness...

last night she went out, and I only found out when i called her...she stayed out til 5am...i wanted to talk to her and get things over with...but i guess i really can't bring myself to it...she came over to my place right after her gimmick...we slept til around 11am and then we went to her house, had lunch and then slept again til around 6:30pm...does that mean we're ok again?

i felt she's also not ready to give me up yet...she knew she did somethign i didnt like and she was agreeable to anything i asked of her...if she didn't care she wouldnt have gone to my house nor would she have invited me over her house, right?...i guess we are ok again...

...gone too soon?

Today Mai told me to do as I wish with my life...she told me not to see her again...she was mad at me...because I went out with my boss's and officemates for lunch...our trainer from the states actually treated us for lunch and of course I couldn't be left behind in the office...

I guess she thought I went out with other guys...that I still go out with other guys even if i'm already sort of married to her...

She told me before that she gets paranoid everytime I leave for work because she doesn't have a clue on what is happening to me in the office...I already told her she had nothing to worry about...I tried reassuring her so many times but all to no avail...

I don't know what to do anymore...what good is a relationship if my partner cannot trust me...it just is so unfair because I never did or said anything that could give her the impression that I am a player...I mean, come on, if I wanted to play, I wouldn't be in this relationship...i wouldnt have stuck with her for almost a year now if I never planned on committing myself to her...

Well, I guess there's no relationship anymore...